


The Fabrication of Peepoo

by Eggsyobsessed



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, Grandparents & Grandchildren, Harry Hart is a ponce, M/M, Merlin and Harry are old marrieds, Merlin is petty as fuck, Silly, established sebwin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 22:14:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18455666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eggsyobsessed/pseuds/Eggsyobsessed
Summary: Harry knew his husband could be petty, it wasn’t a surprise that Merlin was. He was just not at all expecting his petty behavior to reach to such levels. Ones so petty that it involved their granddaughter.This is how Harry went from being called Pop-Pop, to Peepoo in a weekend.





	The Fabrication of Peepoo

**Author's Note:**

> “Peepoo is a personal, single-use, self-sanitising, fully biodegradable toilet that prevents faeces from contaminating the immediate area as well as the surrounding ecosystem. After use, Peepoo turns into valuable fertiliser that can improve livelihoods and increase food security.” 
> 
> http://www.peepoople.com/peepoo/start-thinking-peepoo/
> 
> So, this story actually came about from a tumblr post: https://kaijuno.tumblr.com/post/184094158283/being-a-grandpa-must-be-tough-some-baby
> 
> And the above description was found by a friend, and I just had to work this in somewhere. 
> 
> For those who do not know, Sebastian is my OMC who is fancast with Richard Madden. It is only brief here. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this little silliness.

Merlin hummed thoughtfully to himself, as Harry slid in beside him under the sheets. He barely turned his cheek for the kiss Harry wanted to give him, and as always, Harry rested his chin on Merlin’s shoulder. He could feel the heat of Harry’s gaze as he peered over to look at his tablet. He leaned his head against Harry’s, and kissed the mostly grey waves.

“What the hell is a peepoo?” Harry asked, he said the word as if it was the dirtiest thing he had ever head. “What in the bloody…” he didn’t finish his sentence, as he read what Merlin was reading.

He scrolled down, and didn’t bother to ask Harry where he was in the article. “It is quite smart, don’t ye think?” The bed shifted as Harry pulled back, Merlin only briefly looked at his husband, before going back to his nightly reading.

“Hamish,” Harry said incredulously. “That is a bag where people shit and piss in it,” he couldn’t believe his husband found this fascinating. Merlin’s face scrunched in displeasure by Harry’s statement, and ignored him. He took his own tablet and decided to read a few mission reports, a decade later as Arthur, and he despised them still.

They fell into a comfortable silence, and Merlin finished the article out. “It really is a great invention,” he said after a moment. “There are so many places in the world that do not have access to running water, toilets and the like,” he explained, and Harry didn’t seem the least bit interested, still stuck on the fact that people would shit and piss into a biodegradable bag.

“How on earth is that more sanitary?” Harry wondered, as he closed out his tablet. “It is a bag.”

Merlin huffed irritably at his husband’s ignorance. “In certain areas of Kenya, for example, does not have all of the...privileges that we possess. Like fucking bogs,” Merlin’s temper began to boil over. “Ye know, the ones that flush and get rid of the awful waste that we expel from our bodies?” Harry had now turned to him, his face twisted in a way that Merlin wanted to wipe away. “This is a way for developing countries to properly dispose of said waste, without contaminating their drinking waters, or polluting their area.”

“It is a bag,” Harry repeated, and Merlin began to wonder if his husband all of a sudden lacked common sense in his old age.

“I am well aware it is a fucking bag,” Merlin managed through clenched teeth. “Ye are awfully dense, Harry. Ye are not dumb, how can ye not see the benefit in this?” he begged, and Harry just stared at him for a moment. “We save the world, for pete's sake, how the hell is this a foreign concept to ye?”

“It sounds filthy,” Harry said, and shrugged, he leaned in to give Merlin a kiss, and he turned his face away. “Hamish,” Harry sighed.

Merlin shook his head, and settled in to lay down. “Nae Harry, I love ye, but ye are incredible sometimes,” he absolutely did not mean that in the way he usually did while they were in bed.

\---

“Are you ready to go to Pop-Pop’s and Grandpa’s?” Eggsy asked, as he braided his three-year-old daughter’s thick, curly, dark brown hair. It was an absolute chore to do, and he cursed that she had inherited her Daddy’s curls, no matter how beautiful she looked.

“Yeah!” She jumped a little; Eggsy’s hand gently shoved her back to sit, and continued the french braid.

Sebastian smiled at the two, and gathered a bag to fill with clothes, stuffies and a few toys she’d like for the next two days. Harper loved to spend the weekend with her grandfathers, and it had been long overdue since Sebastian and Eggsy could go somewhere themselves.

“Should we pack some of the nappies?” Sebastian asked aloud. They had been potty-training her, and as of yet her nappies were dry at night. “I wasn’t sure if your fathers had any still.”

“Yeah, maybe a couple,” Eggsy agreed, and tied off the end of her braid. “There,” he said, and gave her a kiss.

Harper hopped off of her bed, and clambered, in between Sebastian’s legs, to peek at what her Daddy had packed. “Daddy,” she sighed, “Ms. Hopkins needs to go too.”

“How could I forget,” Sebastian shook his head. “Silly me.”

“Silly Daddy,” Harper agreed, and squealed when he lifted her up for a tickle, as Eggsy gathered said stuffy and added it to the four others.

It wasn’t as if she hadn’t a plethora of stuffies at her grandfathers’ house, but they relented and added the ones she had so desperately loved. They collected all of her things, and Sebastian slung her on his back, “race you,” he called over his shoulder and carried her down and out of the house.

Eggsy laughed, and followed his little family at a more leisure pace. He made sure everything was locked up, they’d be heading straight to the bed and breakfast in Scotland after dropping off their heart.

“You didn’t catch us, Dad!” Harper crowed, and giggled when Eggsy reached through the window to tickle her sides.

“That’s because Daddy is so fast,” Eggsy indulged her, and climbed into the driver’s seat.

Sebastian grinned from ear to ear, “you could have so beaten me,” he argued, knowing full well how fast Eggsy truly was. “You let me win,” he accused lightly, and kissed him softly.

“Nonsense,” Eggsy responded and headed off to Harry and Merlin’s.

\---

“Grandpa!” A shot of black zipped through the front floor, and straight into Merlin’s waiting arms. Eggsy and Sebastian followed slowly behind her, and placed her bag beside the door.

Merlin caught her with ease, and hefted her to sit on his hip. “That is a beautiful braid lass, Daddy do it for ye?”

Harper shook her head so fast, he worried she’d get whiplash. “No, Dad did it,” she leaned in closer, and whispered, “he’s getting better,” not so quietly in Merlin’s ear, which caused him to chuckle fondly.

“I heard that,” Eggsy tugged on the tail of her braid. “You be good for Pop-Pop and Grandpa, you hear?” His tone shifted smoothly into his Dad voice.

Merlin waved a hand dismissively between them. “The lass is always good,” he promised, and kissed her forehead.

“Mhm,” Eggsy replied skeptically, but gave her a kiss goodbye, “love you.”

“Love you too,” she reached for him, and he collected her in a tight hug. Harper then made sure to reach for her Daddy, and was held just as tightly before being released to Merlin.

“Call if you need anything,” Eggsy said, as he always did, and left with a few more goodbyes and Sebastian in hand.

“Now,” Merlin started, “Pop-Pop had to go to work for a bit, what do ye say we have our own fun?” His eyes sparkled mischievously.

“Yeah!” She shouted, arms up in the air.

\---

They had spent the better part of the early afternoon having a tea party, playing princesses - which usually meant Merlin was in a tiara, that did not at all stay on his head. He had managed to lay her on the couch, to which she reached up sleepily - like she always did. And Merlin situated himself beside her, she curled against his chest and fell into an easy slumber. He, of course, fell asleep with her. She was warm, and if he was being at all honest with himself, he liked the nap.

“Grandpa,” a small voice said, before a tiny finger poked his eye. Merlin scrunched his face against the touch, and brought an arm around her small body to pull her close. She wriggled against the hold, and giggled. It was a delightful sound. “Gotta pee,” she said after a moment.

Eggsy and Sebastian had been working with her, well, mostly Sebastian as Eggsy was gone more than home lately. Merlin peaked through slitted eyes, and smiled at her little face. She looked an awful lot like Sebastian.

“Okay,” Merlin said around a yawn, and stretched. “Up ye go,” he nudged her softly, and followed her to the loo. She had still wanted someone with her as she went. Merlin checked his phone while she did her business, he answered a text from Harry.

“Pop-Pop is bringing pizza home,” Merlin told her.

“I like pizza,” Harper answered. “I did poop,” she told him.

As Merlin cleaned her up, he had a thought, and he should go to hell for this, but it was too tempting. “Ye know,” Merlin said, as she washed her hands and his own. “There is a name Pop-Pop likes to be called,” he caught her attention, and handed her a towel for drying, “Peepoo,” he said.

“Peepoo?” Harper asked, and followed her grandfather out. “That’s silly, Grandpa,” she laughed.

“Aye,” he agreed, and settled her onto the couch with Peppa Pig, “he’d be tickled pink if ye called him that,” he kissed her head.

“Peepoo,” she repeated, “okay.”

\---

“Hello,” Harry called, arms full with pizza and fizzy. He had stopped at the grocery store for some of Harper’s favorites, before getting their cheese pizza. He could hear the thump of small feet hitting the hardwoods, and Merlin said, “walk Harper.”

“Peepoo!” She shouted, and collided against his legs, Harry nearly lost his balance and brought a free hand to pat her head. She tried to climb him like a monkey, and with the help of his husband, succeeded.

“Would you take the pizza, darling?” Harry asked and got a better hold on her. “How’s my monkey?”

“Good.” Harper tightened her small arms around his neck.

They settled at the table to eat, and Harper told Harry every single detail of their day together, he gave her his full attention, as he did during a mission briefing. Harry loved her enthusiasm, she was always bright, and cheery, it reminded him so much of Eggsy. Harper may favor her Daddy in looks, but she pulled a lot of Eggsy’s personality.

“Peepoo,” she interrupted the conversation her grandfathers were having.

“Do you have to use the potty?” Harry asked, and began to gather her to take her there. “I know your Dad said you are doing so well,” he praised, and frowned when she fought him.

“No, I don’t have to go potty,” Harper answered.

Harry lowered her to the floor, he was sure she had said pee and poo in the same sentence. He shrugged, and asked for her help with the dishes. Once everything was clean and put away, Harry looked to his granddaughter and asked, “would a little lady like a bath?” To which she hopped up and down and clapped her hands.

“I get my mermaid barbie, Peepoo!” She shouted, as she made a beeline for the stairs.

“Did she just say peepoo?” Harry wondered, and looked to Merlin, who just shrugged and followed after their lass. He just shook it off, and joined them.

They were all huddled on the couch, an afghan that Merlin had made - on the rare occasion he was sick - and watched The Little Mermaid. It still amazed Harry, how the old Disney classics still entertained children today. It was well past her bedtime, and only a visit with grandfathers’ did this ever happen, but Harper yawned, and snuggled into Harry’s embrace.

“Time for little girls to sleep?” He asked, and dropped a kiss to her curly head of hair. “I can read you a story,” Harry offered, while Merlin got up and tidied their popcorn mess.

“Okay,” Harper agreed, and clung to him like a sloth while he carried her to the room they had set up for her.

He laid her down on the four-poster bed, a sheer canopy draped over the top, and it was far too grand for a three-year-old, but their lass got what she wanted. No matter how much Eggsy griped about spoiling her.

“Which story?” Harry asked, as he went through her collection. They had started buying various children's books the minute Eggsy informed them the surrogacy was a success.

“Princess and the pea, peepoo,” she said, voice heavy with sleep.

Harry did not miss it that time, and his face set into a frown, he turned and his heart melted. Harper was borrowed against the pillows, her dark, curly hair splayed every which way, she had a firm hold of Ms. Hopkins - bright blue eyes slits, as she waited.

He situated himself next to her, and ignored his husband when he took the other side. Harry started the story, and her breathing became softer, and even, as she drifted off. They both pressed light kisses to her cheeks, whispered I love you’s and sweet dreams, before ensuring her night light was on, and the door cracked just a bit. Harry didn’t say anything, even while Merlin poured them a drink, he accepted it, and sat beside his husband.

“Using our granddaughter as revenge?” Harry sneered. “How mature, Hamish,” he huffed.

“I haven’t the slightest idea what ye are talking about,” he managed innocently, and had the nerve to bat his eyes. “The lass must have heard it somewhere,” Merlin said, and sipped his Scotch.

“What are you, 12 and not 63?”

Merlin suppressed every urge to laugh, and went on about the night.

\---

Harry had thought Harper would have forgotten about the ridiculous name, that his husband had taught her. That was until the morning, when she shuffled down to the kitchen, hair a mess around her face, Ms. Hopkins clutched to her chest.

“Good morning, lass,” Merlin greeted her over his paper. She reached up for him, and he brought her into his lap. He placed a kiss to her head, and nuzzled there. “Sleep well?” He asked into the softness of her hair.

“Yeah,” she answered, her voice small and scratchy from sleep. “Want toast and jam, peepoo,” she looked to Harry, who had frozen at the stove.

Merlin could see his back go stiff, and when Harry faced him, Merlin hid his smile in his cuppa. Breakfast was spent with soft murmurs between Harper and Merlin, Harry cooked a fry-up for himself and his husband, and Harper’s toast per her request. He settled at the table with them, and after the second time Harper addressed him as peepoo, Harry interjected.

“Harper,” he said calmly, she lifted her face up, cheeks smeared with raspberry jam, her eyes wide and innocent. He lost all of the nerve he had, just staring at her face, but it was quickly fueled when Merlin so clearly chuckled. “Why are you calling me peepoo?” He tried his best not to make a face.

“Grandpa,” she said simply. She had a few more bites of toast, and said, “he said you really like it, and I want to make you happy,” her voice muffled around her breakfast.

“Manners, Harper,” Merlin reminded her. “Ye dinnae talk with yer mouth full,” he chided.

“Sorry,” she apologized.

Harry looked between Harper and Merlin, and tried to decide which issue to address first. “I...do not like the name?” he tried, with only the fear of upsetting her little heart, and he had been right to, as her eyes slowly filled and turned wide with grief.

“No?” Her lip wobbled, and Harry gathered her in his arms. “Grandpa said you did,” she turned to Merlin, “you wouldn’t lie, right?”

Merlin all of a sudden felt shameful for putting her through this, until Harry replied, “no, no, my heart. Grandpa wouldn’t lie, I do enjoy it,” even as he glared over Harper’s head, and wished his eyes could kill the man.

Her tears quickly dried, and she was back to smiling and calling Harry peepoo, and Merlin tried to control any giggle that might escape his lips each time she said it.

\---

The weekend rolled through, and Harper hadn’t stopped calling him that god awful name. Harry had warned his husband, sex was off the table for awhile. Merlin didn’t believe him, Harry was hornier than he ever been.

Eggsy and Sebastian showed precisely on time to collect their girl, and Merlin and Harry were sad to see her go, just like they always were.

“Say goodbye to Pop-Pop and Grandpa,” Sebastian told her, as she hung from his hip.

“It’s peepoo, Daddy,” she sighed, and added an eye roll before giving her goodbyes to her grandfathers.

“Who?” Eggsy asked. Merlin was behind Harry and pointed to him, Eggsy coughed out a laugh. “Peepoo?” He chuckled. “How’d you get saddled with that name?” When the story was explained, Eggsy was in a full fit of giggles, and each time any one said peepoo, he was hard pressed to keep his lips shut.

“Gary,” Sebastian hissed, he so rarely used his husband’s given name.

“I’m sorry,” he managed between laughs, and Merlin grinned like a goon all the while. “Peepoo,” he snorted, and dodged the pinch his husband was going to assault his arse with.

Sebastian held Harper, and levelled his gaze on her, “we don’t call Pop-Pop peepoo.” He stepped on Eggsy’s toe when he laughed.

“But he likes it, right peepoo?” And Eggsy had to walk outside to catch his breath, he found it all too humourous, and the look on Harry’s face was priceless.

“I’ll get this sorted,” Sebastian promised, and went to buckle their daughter in and deal with his husband.

“I hate you,” Harry said, as they both waved them goodbye. “All because I didn’t find the peepoo bag ground breaking.” Merlin smiled, and pulled Harry into a tender kiss. “Still mad,” Harry said, even as he leaned in for another, “yeah, very angry,” his voice had softened, and melted against Merlin’s lips, and arms that encompassed his waist.

“Aye, bet the lass forgets about it the next time she is over,” Merlin offered, and lead Harry up to their room, where Harry showed Merlin how very mad he still was.

Except, Harper never forgot, and Harry only cringed the first 30 times she had called him that in public. 

 


End file.
